Subconsciously Letting Others Steal Your Confidence

I want to acknowledge what a wonderful, abundant bad ass you are. I want to testify to the fact that we have so much potential in this world. Everything is at our fingertips. But you know what I’ve noticed? All too often we shy away from the idea of fulfilling our potential or owning our confidence, simply because it may inconvenience somebody else. We don’t even know we’re doing it. We just know that:

  • We toned down our makeup yesterday because we knew we’d see that one conservative relative who would have something snarky to say. Or…

  • We overheard a coworker spouting “facts” that we knew were wrong, but we didn’t want to step on toes and make that person feel stupid, so we kept our mouth shut. Or…

  • Maybe we had plans for a blind date so we wanted to wear that super cute top that happens to show a bit of cleavage, but we didn’t want our date to “get the wrong idea,” so we opted for a full coverage dress instead. Or…

  • A stranger asked us how many months along are we, even though we’re not f*cking pregnant, but we just laughed politely instead of telling them how rude they actually are.

We did all of this for other people instead of owning our confidence and acting like the bad ass we are. We did this so we wouldn’t intrude on someones else’s comfort level, or have someone think of us in a negative light. But you know what? F*ck. All. Of. That.

We are not in charge of other people and we do not have to live by anyone else’s standards.

I know that sounds like common sense, and you may be thinking, “Yeah. Duh.” to yourself right about now, but seriously think about it - do any of these scenarios resonate with you in some capacity, without you even realizing it at the time? It seems so obvious now that we’re talking about it. But it happens at a subconscious level. When it comes to these little scenes in our day-to-day, the ones that happen so fast that it doesn’t seem out of the ordinary but then when you think about it later, you’re like, “Wait a minute…”, it can get lost in all the other shit we have going on in our lives. We don’t even notice that our confidence and assertiveness is being chipped away little by little.

If you find yourself downplaying who you are or shrinking back in situations, I want you to think about that one friend we all have. You know the one - the one who is so up front and to the point about things that it actually put you off the first couple of times you met her. She seemed really “bitchy.” But over time, you realized that she’s actually the sweetest and more generous person you know. Yes, she told you that your butt doesn’t look good in those jeans when you asked for her opinion. It may have stung, but you know she doesn’t sugar coat things so you know you can trust her. And when something upsets her, she works to correct it instead of stowing it away in the back of her mind where it will grow into resentment.

A personality this strong can come across as harsh and make others very uncomfortable (and there’s a difference between being an untactful “honest” asshole and simply being up front about things. We are not talking about the former.). We associate “confrontation” with negativity, instead of thinking, “Wow, I’m glad I know such a strong woman who’s so confident in her feelings and who she is.” We’re accustomed to not looking like a “bitch,” accustomed to holding our tongue even when something doesn’t sit right with us. But I’m here to tell you it’s okay to speak your mind. You’re not wrong for loving yourself enough to speak up.

And that’s directly where this type of confidence comes from - self love. Without self love, without enough self love, we second-guess our feelings. We second-guess whether what we have to say, wear, feel, or do is worthy enough. We don’t speak up when something bothers us because what if it upsets someone else? Well, guess what? If owning who you are and what you feel upsets someone else, that’s their journey they need to walk down and figure out. That’s not on you. Don’t feel responsible for someone else’s mindset.

It’s easier said than done, but it does get easier with practice. But what do you do when you’re in an especially hard situation? Say, for example, dear old Grandma commented on how you’ve gained a few pounds and even though it was rude AF, you’re not trying to ruin Sunday dinner by calling her out on her rudeness.

There’s two ways it can go. You can be so secure in yourself and in your own body, that her statement legitimately doesn’t bother you at all. It’s easy to brush off because you know her 89-year-old opinion doesn’t actually f*cking matter. So whatever, let it go.

Or, if it truly does bother you, then you need to speak up. But do it with kindness. It’s really hard for someone to get upset with you for speaking your truth when you do it with a smile on your face. You can still be direct, but they look like the asshole if they escalate the situation when you’ve done nothing but be sweet. Then you can direct the conversation elsewhere. For example:

RUDE PERSON: “Honey, you’ve gained a few pounds. Susan used the Weight Watchers program, maybe you should try it.”
THE BAD ASS YOU ARE: “I’m stoked Susan found something that works for her. I absolutely love my body and am not looking for any weight loss program. I am loving this new rug you bought, though! Where did you get it?”

If they continue to push the subject, they’re still the one looking like the asshole, and you can continue to redirect. There is an infinite number of ways to redirect a conversation, so hey, you can do this all day if they insist. Or, you can speak your truth even more and say, “I’m done discussing this topic. Let’s focus on something that makes us all feel positive.” Keep saying it until they stop. Again, you are not wrong for that. You are not wrong for protecting your peace of mind or your self confidence. You are not wrong for telling someone “no.” You are not wrong for ditching people or things that do not serve your higher self. You are not wrong for correcting someone. Don’t be afraid to make someone uncomfortable when they’re not even bothered to offer the same luxury to you.

So, here’s your motivation to go out into the world and take it by storm. No more shrinking back so you don’t upset someone. No more denying yourself of your true feelings because you think you’re not worthy enough to have them or that you’re wrong for having them. You are a bad ass. If you can’t see that yet, practice saying it to yourself daily. I’m serious! Say it to yourself enough times til it starts to sink into your subconscious. Soon, you’ll start to believe it, slowly but surely. Then eventually, you’ll start to act like it. Then, yes, you will be it. There is a super bad ass chick version of you out there, you just have to align yourself with her through little practices such as affirmations. Go get her!